Changes

 Every now and then it still happens that I see someone for the first time since I went travelling in 2011. And this usually goes like this “Last time I heard, you were still in Australia!” or “I thought  you were in Australia. What happened?” Or recently I was explaining someone I met for the first time that I was travelling and now I’m back and he looked at me and asked seriously “And you came back here? Didn’t you want to change?” I took a pause and he elaborated “I mean if I would go away for 16 months, I think I would like to change my life.”

I have reflected on this point - changing life/finding myself/whatever you wanna call it - at different times during travelling itself and after that. Back in August 2012, in a little village on Lombok island, Indonesia, just before going to conquer the Rinjani volcano, I was sitting in front of a laptop. When lifting my eyes from the screen I could see paddyfields, little houses, Rinjani towering on the background. My flight ticket to London was 2 weeks ahead. For many weeks I had been feeling that I don’t want to go back. Not just yet. No no. It felt very much like it would be a failure on my side if I just return. Just like that. So I wrote to my boss, that I don’t want to come back yet, so I guess I need to resign.

That felt so empowering! ...Until the day that the airplane, I was supposed to sit on, from Singapore to London took off. Without me. Talk about feeling emotionally paralised! I was physically shivering half of the day, feeling sick to my stomach. All of a sudden the job in Brussels looked pretty damn good. But then again not. I just didn't know if I was being incredibly stupid or wisely following the heart wishes. Very black and white I suppose.

Good thing was I was in the tropics, had no plain ticket to anywhere, no deadline and still plenty of cash from the 60h weeks of working in Australia. Incredible level of freedom. Only that my own head was always in some distance, tormenting me regardless of the surroundings or external conditions.  Until I gave up trying to figure things out right this instant and started to have good time and enjoy myself. Good things came on my way.

So now when this guy said he would have changed his life, I told him that my travelling did change my life. And that maybe not everything is visible on the outside. And I really believe what I said,  but I will not make a bulletpoint list.

When I returned this year to work at the same company, in the same project, I did not feel that I had failed myself. The fact that I’m in the same country doing a same job (now even different, but whatever), does not mean I have not changed. If nothing else, then I have changed my mind that changing a career is the main answer.

Almost 5 months: Brussels and working

After month and a half in Estonia and then one long weekend in Slovenia it was 1^st of February and time to go to the office and embrace life in an open cubicle. When I got there, I was the only one present from our team. I asked IT support to indicate me to my cubicle. Yeah, my old one, the best cubicle, was occupied by my successor that I helped to interview.

 A week before I had sent a reminder letter that I will be back. There was nothing more ceremonial about returning after 16 months than just sitting down and turning someone else’s old laptop which was recycled to me. No team, no bosses. Then gradually some people came to the office. Was great to see them again and I tried to distract everyone from working as much as possible for I had nothing else to do than read the welcome back email from the Project Director located in Luxembourg.  

When I started working,  I had a good energy and often engaged people around us in topics about values in life and the like. Some of them inspired by “7 billion others” project which I suggest to look up on the internet.  So it was really cool to see how people are actually happy to discuss on subjects that might not come up so often.  I remembered this today when meeting a friend who recently moved back to Poland and she said that in her office the girls really really like gossip. I wanted to quote, what I had once read…a great quote…but of course could not remember it too well. Anyhow, thanks for google, it goes like this: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. When I had read it the first time, I found it really inspiring. I was surrounded by gossip too at that time. But it is sooo boring!

Our guys in the office don't gossip much, but can engage is odd conversations like bra sizes and how to choose a bra and so on. I could not understand what is going on! Four guys going on and on about it and material and with wire or not and which shape… Never with my girlfriends have I ever talked about bras for one hour. Perhaps it is a man thing after all.

So my team is a lovable bunch and we have good time.

Besides work I discovered Bikram yoga, which is a tough sweaty workout after which you really do feel great.However, yoga has a reputation of some breathing and slow stretching I think. After being completely exhausted and leg muscles shaking after the workout its funny to hear a comment "Ah, so you are into relaxation!"

Then of course I have a flatmate, who is really really great. And her place is lovely and I'm getting over the fact I was once attacked in front of the entrance. And - not many people have a wall from banana leaves, but I do!

Now some time has passed since travelling, I am enjoying the routine some days, other days hating it. I sometimes daydream about leaving.  I no longer wake up without alarm clock at 6AM. But all that is ok. At work I have been given a project manager task, so it quite daunting,  but also a great chance. 

I knew from a documentary “A map for Saturday” (absolutely cool doc about long term travel) that many people face difficulties after returning … so I also expected to start having some tormenting questions or wishes  after the novelty of being back wears out. I guess I’m now fully in that stage. But I will wait it out a bit. At this very moment I am where I want to be.