10 days of peace

As November switched to December, the prospect of the coming meditation retreat was already making a positive effect. It's something I had been looking forward to since June. The retreat was lead by an Auzzie monk Bhante Sujato. I had discovered him on youtube and from the very first video took an instant liking to him and soon found him to be the most intelligent person I have ever encountered. At the retreat it turned out there were other "youtube fans", who as soon as they heard Bhante is coming to Germany, booked a place at the retreat. Maybe it sounds strange from distance, but anyhow, he came all the way from Australia to give this metta meditation retreat. Metta means loving-kindness i.e. love that does not expect in return.

So we came there to gradually learn a specific meditation method, do practice meditation in the retreat environment where outside worries are minimized and all the conditions are there to help with the practice. Didn't talk for ten days other than was really necessary, no external stimulus such as internet or phone, ate great vegan food twice per day, went to sleep early and got up early. Every morning he gave a guided mediation and every evening a talk and there was a chance to go to speak to him personally for quarter an hour to discuss on anything you wanted to discuss about. I went every day of course :D Well except of one, because I felt I should practice self-restriction. Though the next day I went twice, so not 100% sure if it counts. But ok, I have no meditation teacher in Brussels and questions do pile up in time, plus questions about different aspects of Buddhist philosophy and so on. So I indulged. Sometimes I did think afterwards that perhaps considering that I think he is the most intelligent person I have ever met, I should come up with more intelligent questions...but then came a new day with new questions.

And so I practiced. More and more. And it is amazing how indeed the mind reacts to the conditions its put in. If the conditions are there for the mind to be calm and clear, it does become calm and clear. The biggest obstacle comes to be your expectations. You have had a great meditation and you want it again. But sometimes you just sit there and that is ok too. Once I told Bhante during the interview, that maybe only 20% of the time I feel the feeling of metta that one is striving for when doing the metta mediation.
- "But you have felt it then?" 
- "Yes I have"
- "How did it feel like?"
- "From one moment to another, suddenly I felt all my body was full of warm energy and light. Charged with this energy from fingertips to the toes"
-"Isn't it amazing that you can feel like that, your mind can feel like that with no outside support whatsoever, just your cushion?"
- "Indeed"

So it is. And it is such a beautiful though that these amazing feeling of warm loving kindness it is always present in us, its inherent, but it's just a matter of tuning in to it. Just finding it. Where attention goes there the energy will flow.
And I had some good meditations. And no one can take that away. Things you know to be true by yourself, you feel it is real, it is true, you see the effect. And as a byproduct, a bit more faith arises. Meditation is such a different, unknown world to most of us, though conversely it's just facing up to your own mind, the mind that you spend with 24/7 anyway ... So when you hear and read about meditation, it's somehow obscure, at least it has been to me, still is...but based on experiences during this retreat a bit more faith, a bit more trust has arisen. There really really is something to meditation and to the values of a spiritual path. To be tested further.

Storm before the peace

As from November, things took a tough turn at work. Responsibilities were rocketing and often I had to face situations where I simply did not know what's the best course of action, how to set up a certain workflow or simply how to use a certain IT tool to deliver what was expected of me. So I got stressed. And I realized this is the test of my yoga and mediation practice right here.Perhaps too much too soon as I developed headaches and felt my heart rate elevated every now and then. But there were also days I could take things with humour and felt I'm in the middle of a game, stupid game as it may be, but game nevertheless. But then I let myself get upset again.

When the week was over and I went to practice/teaching Friday evening and then Saturday morning, then I felt like that weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel good, I breath easily. How wonderful. Body feels limber, mind feels calm. And my teaching got better in time too, so that was a great relief. Because in the beginning it felt like im failing on both fronts, but I learned. I did not fail in neither fronts, but was pushed to my limits. Though maybe I ought to raise my limits :) Or actually we set our own limits...well its easy to be philosophical about things.

I thought of all the people who are constantly under pressure at work or in their life...how horrible! I mean if they are not able to deal with it properly yet, like me. What a strange thing to wake up in the morning and have the first thought of an email you gotta write or a development problem, that needs to be addressed? But not in a happy, inspired way, but more as a prospect of doom. Nevertheless I always sat down for my meditation practice, even if it was just to see how the thoughts are crashing hundred miles per hour.

Recognizing I'm yet to learn how to deal with stress, I did what I thought was the second best thing - to pay attention to what the stress inside me is doing to me and also to see if i can catch concrete triggers that cause the heart rate go up and  feeling of resentment come up. I hope I learned something at least. January, when things pick up at work again, will be the test for that. Finger's crossed.