10 days of peace

As November switched to December, the prospect of the coming meditation retreat was already making a positive effect. It's something I had been looking forward to since June. The retreat was lead by an Auzzie monk Bhante Sujato. I had discovered him on youtube and from the very first video took an instant liking to him and soon found him to be the most intelligent person I have ever encountered. At the retreat it turned out there were other "youtube fans", who as soon as they heard Bhante is coming to Germany, booked a place at the retreat. Maybe it sounds strange from distance, but anyhow, he came all the way from Australia to give this metta meditation retreat. Metta means loving-kindness i.e. love that does not expect in return.

So we came there to gradually learn a specific meditation method, do practice meditation in the retreat environment where outside worries are minimized and all the conditions are there to help with the practice. Didn't talk for ten days other than was really necessary, no external stimulus such as internet or phone, ate great vegan food twice per day, went to sleep early and got up early. Every morning he gave a guided mediation and every evening a talk and there was a chance to go to speak to him personally for quarter an hour to discuss on anything you wanted to discuss about. I went every day of course :D Well except of one, because I felt I should practice self-restriction. Though the next day I went twice, so not 100% sure if it counts. But ok, I have no meditation teacher in Brussels and questions do pile up in time, plus questions about different aspects of Buddhist philosophy and so on. So I indulged. Sometimes I did think afterwards that perhaps considering that I think he is the most intelligent person I have ever met, I should come up with more intelligent questions...but then came a new day with new questions.

And so I practiced. More and more. And it is amazing how indeed the mind reacts to the conditions its put in. If the conditions are there for the mind to be calm and clear, it does become calm and clear. The biggest obstacle comes to be your expectations. You have had a great meditation and you want it again. But sometimes you just sit there and that is ok too. Once I told Bhante during the interview, that maybe only 20% of the time I feel the feeling of metta that one is striving for when doing the metta mediation.
- "But you have felt it then?" 
- "Yes I have"
- "How did it feel like?"
- "From one moment to another, suddenly I felt all my body was full of warm energy and light. Charged with this energy from fingertips to the toes"
-"Isn't it amazing that you can feel like that, your mind can feel like that with no outside support whatsoever, just your cushion?"
- "Indeed"

So it is. And it is such a beautiful though that these amazing feeling of warm loving kindness it is always present in us, its inherent, but it's just a matter of tuning in to it. Just finding it. Where attention goes there the energy will flow.
And I had some good meditations. And no one can take that away. Things you know to be true by yourself, you feel it is real, it is true, you see the effect. And as a byproduct, a bit more faith arises. Meditation is such a different, unknown world to most of us, though conversely it's just facing up to your own mind, the mind that you spend with 24/7 anyway ... So when you hear and read about meditation, it's somehow obscure, at least it has been to me, still is...but based on experiences during this retreat a bit more faith, a bit more trust has arisen. There really really is something to meditation and to the values of a spiritual path. To be tested further.

Storm before the peace

As from November, things took a tough turn at work. Responsibilities were rocketing and often I had to face situations where I simply did not know what's the best course of action, how to set up a certain workflow or simply how to use a certain IT tool to deliver what was expected of me. So I got stressed. And I realized this is the test of my yoga and mediation practice right here.Perhaps too much too soon as I developed headaches and felt my heart rate elevated every now and then. But there were also days I could take things with humour and felt I'm in the middle of a game, stupid game as it may be, but game nevertheless. But then I let myself get upset again.

When the week was over and I went to practice/teaching Friday evening and then Saturday morning, then I felt like that weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel good, I breath easily. How wonderful. Body feels limber, mind feels calm. And my teaching got better in time too, so that was a great relief. Because in the beginning it felt like im failing on both fronts, but I learned. I did not fail in neither fronts, but was pushed to my limits. Though maybe I ought to raise my limits :) Or actually we set our own limits...well its easy to be philosophical about things.

I thought of all the people who are constantly under pressure at work or in their life...how horrible! I mean if they are not able to deal with it properly yet, like me. What a strange thing to wake up in the morning and have the first thought of an email you gotta write or a development problem, that needs to be addressed? But not in a happy, inspired way, but more as a prospect of doom. Nevertheless I always sat down for my meditation practice, even if it was just to see how the thoughts are crashing hundred miles per hour.

Recognizing I'm yet to learn how to deal with stress, I did what I thought was the second best thing - to pay attention to what the stress inside me is doing to me and also to see if i can catch concrete triggers that cause the heart rate go up and  feeling of resentment come up. I hope I learned something at least. January, when things pick up at work again, will be the test for that. Finger's crossed.

I want to make you sweat...

Sweat 'til you can't sweat no more
And if you cry out
I'm gonna push it some mo-o-ore.

Ahh the classic from the 80s, UB40. 

:D:D

Today that was my goal, to make people sweat. To make them push more, kick more, pull more and stretch more. Today was my first time to give a Bikram yoga class. Well yesterday evening Astrid was so nice to volunteer as well, so we turned on the heating in the living room and I gave her a quick class finishing at midnight. 

Today was a small class, around 8 people. It was a morning class, so not that many people. Evening class can have 35 people.
My teacher Sameer told me, that he is quite tired, so he rather go back to his room to sleep. Anyway I might be more confident in the room without him. Ok, there might be some truth to it, let it be like that. Last pointers and I enter the room. 

I closed the door behind myself, greeted my students, stepped up on the podium and thought "Fuck!". I will really have to do this. I'm really going to give a class. And so I start speaking. First mistake during the second set of the first breathing exercise. Oh well... lets keep it going. How can I turn my voice more confident? Lips are drying, mouth is drying...I have forgot my water bottle. The room is 40 degrees and I have no water and I have to keep on talking... Actually I should be teaching, but i think it the beginning its more speaking, saying the dialogue ("Teach, don't repeat the dialogue" as one of the experienced students told me after the class. Ouch! But well deserved remark and I will get better...one would hope so).

Class goes further. From one posture to the next. There was one exercise I got completely lost what is right, what is left...I cant even remember how I handled that... but then after that it was ok again. Finally, 55min from the start of the class, there is a 2 minute break. I could get out of the class and go and get my waterbottle.

Sameer was standing outside the door "You forgot your water, didnt you". He said he has been listening outside the classroom, Im doing ok. Just keep it up. Ok, I enter the room again. Easier part left now, just half an hour. Wind removing pose, spine strengthening series. I saw I was running out of time a little bit. But then if you only have 8 people and you tell them to turn around and sit on the mat in Japanes style, but nobody has done it yet, you cant really go further yet...I add some motivational speech. Great. Almost over, almost over. Keep the instructions flowing. It's done. It's over. I thank everyone for their great class, namaste, and escape the room my head held high.Deeeeep exchale.

Sameer was there, straight behind the door. He confirmed again that i did well for the first time. He had to leave now to give a yoga class in the European Commission, so I could not get further feedback on my class just yet. I know it was not great, but I'm proud that I managed to get through it and did not get discouraged.I want to get to be a good teacher.

Next week I have 3 classes, unless Sameer will tell me, "Ene, listen, thanks, but....would you mind continuing your yoga practice as a student in the back row, thanks!"

Couple of students thanked me for the class though. One said I was killing him and this is music to a teacher's ears.

Banana chips

I felt a bit weak as I ran over Place Lux to catch a bus 38 to Avenue Louiza where I go for my yoga practice. So I thought I better get a small bite before entering the strenuous 90 minutes practice. I stepped into the little shop on the way to see what they have got. They had quite a wide selection of nuts, dried bananas and that sort of trail mix. I had taken a scoop of banana chips of some 100g, put them in a bag and on the scale and tried to figure out how get the price tag. Shop assistant came to help me out and suggested that I can put other type of trail mix in the same bag. After he heard that this is all I planned to have, he said immediately, that I can just have it.
- "Oh, then just take it!"
- "Really? But.."
- "Yes, yes, just take it. It's a gift. You know, you are new customer..."
He went on asking me where I am from and welcomed me to Belgium. He was from Morocco himself so I welcomed him to Belgium as well.

Halloumi and Tea

It was a dinner party with a variety of amazing food e.g. pizza made by an Englishman and complimented by an Italian (that's how good it was!) and a choice of red vines and white wines and what not. So everyone was walking around with a glass or had it deposited it in an arm’s reach.  

I was talking to a Cypriot guy in the kitchen who was frying Halloumi and explaining me how it is a Cypriot dish with protected origin like Champagne. While I was fascinated by this new information his eyes zoomed in on a teamug on the table “There is a teacup on the table, it makes me nervous!”  That was said so innocently, yet sincerely, I had to smile “Yes, it’s my teacup. I’m on an alcohol-free month”.

“Alcohol free month!?!” a shadow of disbelief ran over his face as his nose took a shape of a raisin.

“Yes!” I smiled and took a big sip of the wonderful Korean tea.   

Words of wisdom

Yesterday I happened to watch on YouTube a lecture by The Venerable Ajahn Jayasaro at Georgetown University in Qatar, on the topic of Happiness. He is a Buddhist monk and an author of many books and so on. One simile he gave to explain the point of meditation really struck a chord. Just the day before I had to try to explain it to rather skeptic audience. It's like, when I say I do yoga, I get an answer "Oh, so you are into relaxation then".  Strong assumptions with little basis. And I don't know much myself.

So this is to say that I don't plan to go around spreading yoga bliss or try to convince others to meditate, but I will write down the simile I heard yesterday. For your contemplation :)

The Venerable Ajahn Jayasaro:

"Let's suppose that someone is incredible self confident and that self confidence is based on their ability to walk on the straight line. Let's say its me. So I believe I can walk in a completely straight line for 8 hours, for the whole day. I fly out into a desert where there are no  identifying marks, no buildings, no trees, no anything and I walk for 8 hours in a completely straight line. I know, I can feel it, I have walked absolutely straight, even though there are no landmarks to prove it. And someone is monitoring me and he uses a compass and sees, wow, this is really incredible, Jayasaro has walked 8 hours in a straight line and he has only deviated 1 degree from true north in 8 hours, amazing. So next day I prove that I can do it again. And I walk in a completely straight line, subjectively absolutely sure. And 1 degree in 8 hours walking is pretty amazing. But if I keep doing this, you see, after 90 days, from true North, I'm maybe walking in a westerly direction.And in a 180 days I could be walking to South.

So the analogy here is that I believe so many of us wake up to a certain extent, maybe in cold sweat, 2AM in the morning, 40 years old: How did I get here? I thought I was walking true north, but I'm walking south. How am I doing the same kind of things that I thought I would never do? All the things that as a young man or a young woman that I thought I don't wanna be like that, I don't wanna do that ... and here I am doing it. Here I am just like that.

And I think it is like this, you are just deviating. It's not like you are doing this big, huge mistakes in life when you should go left, but you go right or you do some really stupid, dumb things. It's more just this generally, little by little deviating from the path that you set for yourself in life.

One of the advantages of the daily periods of meditation or reflection is resetting the compass. And when you stop, just for a while, suddenly you just can come to a thought "Why am I making such a fuss about such a stupid thing, com'n!? Just put it down" or sometimes else "Oh, this is not a small matter. I really need to do something about this."

So it's like we have all this wisdom, just basic wisdom, but we can't hear it. It's like we have this radio on and it's really loud blaring music and this quiet voice of wisdom is completely obstructed, obscured by this loud noise. So if we can make time every day just to turn off the noise - to learn how to turn off the noise, because it is not too easy - and then to listen to this voice. And often we do, often we really do know what is what, but we have lost that faculty of communication with ourselves."

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IHpwKa0E2Q  

Zelka

While walking up the street from Slivnica Beach (Prespa Lake, Macedonia) Astrid, Reid and I saw a big tortoise. Tortoise was coming from the opposite direction walking steadily.  It’s fascinating to see wildlife in their own element. Astrid taught perhaps we should put the tortoise away from the street as it might get crushed by a passing car. Reid and I forbid it. 

I have once before moved a tortoise, named zelka, from one place to another. That was in Montenegro at Skadar lake. Now I wonder how is it for this animal, who is going about his own business, to be airlifted and then placed in a new place? Be it 25m or 250m away. Does the tortoise now know where to go? Do they need to find their way back? From our perspective the new spot might look better, but how is it for them? I don't know.

Perhaps we assume too much too often.

In the fruit heaven

My friend Pablo is a dedicated bike tour organizer and for many years I have discovered different places with him in the Belgian countryside. Those tours make me appreciate my host country and give access to much needed green and quiet, plus the fun of cycling itself.

Past weekend we went to St Truiden in Flanders, the Flemish side. It is tough luck to go on a biking tour anywhere in  Valloonia, the French side, as they close the bike rentals during weekend and enjoy the rest days. In Flanders there is a great system of train ticket + bike rental with no closing hour as you have the key to enter the bike rental and leave your bike there once you have finished. So for some 23 euros you can buy yourself a great getaway. There are so many well marked routes through different landscapes (no cars!) and little, rich and beautiful Belgian villages. There indeed is beautiful countryside in Belgium, even when population density in Belgium is 344 ppl/km2. Whereas in Estonia it is 29 ppl/km2.

15 min out of St Truiden we entered heaven. Miles of fruit orchards on both sides of the track. Apple trees full of apples. Pear trees - I did not know a pear tree can carry so much pear! You can just bike through them, mostly they were not protected by fence or anything. How can they still remain there without people just picking them off even if they are not ripe yet? And then more and more and more. Then some potato fields, corn, some salad looking thing, then cows roaming around, then wheat. Total abundance.

And then we stopped in unison as there were long rows of redcurrant bushes. Each branch with berries some 10cm long. I had never seen anything like this before! Now I read from Wikipedia that large berried cultivars of the redcurrant were first produced in Belgium and northern France in the 17th century. So I guess they have got some practice growing them. Well we definitely practiced eating them. Sooo goood.

And then after passing a lot of already picked cherry trees, we got a spot that they probably just had left for bikers like us. Few cherry trees, but so full. Seriously, you could collect ... or eat ... a kilo in 5 minutes.

Apples and pears will be ripe in September and I most certainly will be ready too.

Seashells on the seashore

One Saturday I spent with a friend of mine and we talked about life and its lessons and what we want out of it. 5 hours went passing fast. One simile he gave was so honest and pure and so moving, I still keep coming back to it in my mind. He said he feels like a seashell on the shore. Seashell that has an interesting appearance, so people when they pass by, stop and pick it up, look at it from different angles, but then put it down again. They don’t take it home for their collection.

Becoming one with the nature

I was on a two and half days road trip with my very dear friend Jana in Estonia. We went to the far south-east corner of Estonia, to the national parks that neither of us had visited before. National Park of "Land of Bogs" ... doesn't it sound fantastic? I inquired my father how come he never took me to bogs and wetlands when I was a kid, because everywhere else he seemed to have taken me. It's the mosquitoes, he said, buahhhhhh.
But the landscape in the wetlands is really amazing, yellow and green and sun flickering from the plentiful blue little lakes occasionally covered with waterlilys. Other places in the world you can find so many areas of wetlands are only in Finland and in Canada. They take 20% of Estonian territory. By the way, forest covers a bit over a half of Estonia (50,6%). Plus the fields and grasslands...just to point out that in the summer, Estonia really is a great place to be if you like nature.
I had told Jana, that she will need to excuse me each day for about half an hour, so I can do my meditation. She accepted it, but later on came up with a very interesting question. She wanted to understand, why is it that I want to meditate every day and asked if it is like a smoker who needs his/hers cigarette or is it like a religious person who would feel having sinned if he/she has not prayed.
I liked the question and the analogy. I said its really neither one of those, but more like a sportsperson, who wants to do his/hers daily training, because to progress, one needs to train and can feel good after.
She is a massive sportsperson, so she got it.
During this trip I had a chance to go to the forest to meditate. Sitting under the tree not moving; not reaching any higher states of consciousness and clearness that we are all one or any stuff like that, but more just being there quietly happy to hear the sounds of the forest getting louder and louder as inner noise gets weaker.
The first time was late in the evening after the sunset, so it was dimmed light and all. And there were so many sounds. Rustling of the wind in the pinetree tops, trees creaking against each other, birds, i don't know what else. I had to admit, that though I want to see myself as a lover of the nature and not afraid of the dark and so on, I did get a bit anxious and often wanted to look over my shoulder. What was that? Is there someone coming? Is a mosquito really sucking on my blood though all the clothes or is it illusion? Oh, what was that sound now?? I found my unease quite pathetic. Ups, where did the breath go? Ok, let's close the eyes (yes, it was indeed a mosquito), get centered. Better. More quiet. More silent. And then I hear - whoufff-whoufff-whoufff - clearly hearing flapping of the wings coming closer, closer, flying over my head and into distance! Wow, must have been quite a big bird.
Next morning I'm back in the forest and with full daylight it felt completely comfortable. Sitting again under the same tree, relaxed and not moving, suddenly I hear hopping sounds approaching. Wow, who is it now? It was a rabbit! I had been so quiet and unmoving that a rabbit came to me! In my head a sound-blaster went off: this is SO COOL, this is SO COOL. I observed the rabbit for as long as it stayed, minding its own business and then hopped off again. What an exciting start for the day.
Third day I was ready for something big! Oh and when a bear lied down next to me, we started in harmony munching on the blueberries. I was Zen the whole time... Nah, not quite. But there was a woodpecker somewhere knocking away. Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door...

Three girls floating

It was end of June and we were in a canoe, the three of us – Astrid, Monika and I - on a really shallow river somewhere in the lake district of Poland, the Mazury. Going through a forest, passing meadows and occasional houses, usually no other human noises than our own. Any other canoe that got on the picture, soon enough disappeared to the distance. We had a unique zig-zagging style and got drifted from one side to the other by the river forces that seemed to leave everyone else alone.

It was so beautiful and often I would just stop paddling to take it all in.

After an hour or so, suddenly the sky turned all dark. So exciting! Storm was coming. I love to occasionally get struck by a summer downpour! When in a middle of nowhere, only sensible option is to surrender to it. Soon enough you are so soaked that it makes no point to even look for a shelter, no point to worry, that you are gonna get wet. A type of freedom, really. I can recall so many different occasions like that while biking or hiking in Estonia and more recently in Tasmania or on a motorbike in the monsoon rain in Malaysia. Well actually in Malaysia, we did have to stop when we found a shelter by the road, because the visibility was so bad and motorway about to turn into a river.

So there we were, sky getting darker and darker and our paddling technique better and better. There was lightning and thunder, rainwater bounced off the river as it hit the surface exceeding the speed limit and our canoe turned into a shallow pool. Rain was so thick you could hardly keep your eyes open. So cool, I yelled, but probably no one heard because thunder was too loud. Smiling.

We did not get hit by lightening and finished safe and sound. There was a wooden shelter where we could wait for the transfer and the wooden pillars were warm from the sun of the day.

Free in the forest

I had just missed my flight to Brazil, when I opened my eyes in the pitch dark bedroom in Raeren. I had come to Astrid’s parents place for the weekend.  It’s  a tiny village close to Eupen, a German speaking area of Belgium and also my favorite part of the country.  It is surrounded by woods and biofarms, a big bright blue lake and beautiful houses.

After 15 minutes cycling, I was out of breath as the breaks of the bikes were constantly on. Astrid’s brother was a good sport and suggested he will take that bike, so we can continue. And off we went further in the forest.

There was one long steady uphill kilometer where all of a sudden one by one pensioners started to overtake me. With smiling faces and grey hair flowing in the summer breeze they seemed to effortlessly pedal their way pass me as I was trying to breathe more silently and not to wiggle so much with the handlebar and respond with the same bright smile.

After the third oldie passed me, I was paying more attention to this mystery and I saw a suspicious box attached either at the back of their bike or below the frame in the middle. They were on e-bikes!  Cheeky J

We got to this huge grassland for cows. Looking behind the fence we saw many of them far away. White with black patches, white with brown patches, some light brown ones. They also noticed the three of us and came the whole way over to check us out. When you have 15 cows marching towards you and you are a city dweller then it gets a bit scary! But I decided to make friends with them and Moo’d happily as they had taken their position in the big bushes just close to the fence.  It seemed completely odd thing to do as the rest of the field was open grass. But maybe they wanted to first monitor us from this hideout.

From the bushes they saw one of these three creatures mooing in a very untalented way, but with persistence, while the other two supported with silence. Clearly they intend no harm. They also heard “Don’t worry, I’m vegetarian, I will not eat you…. Mooo, Mooo”

Soon enough the first one slowly made it’s way to the fence looking at me what I considered a curiosity. She even let me touch her nose. Her followers restricted themselves with a sniff of my hand. Have you ever had a cow sniffing you? Well now I have. When I Mooed they looked at me. They did not Moo back. After some time though the cows no longer found us interesting and they turned back to the bushes and every single one had their ass towards us. We took a hint and left.

Everything so green, birds singing, smell of forest. I thought I would like to stay in a forest hut for a week or so. I had just recently listened to an Estonian radio show, where 22 year old girl, who was a playboy cover girl, but now lives in the forest and recently finished 5 months long juice diet, explained how she practically never goes to supermarket. She went on explaining all the different things you can find in the forest to eat. One of them was suggestion to eat the light colored ends of the fir trees (Christmas trees). These are the new-growth tips that come in springtime. So now in this forest I had an opportunity to test it out. Wow, I really liked them! Astrid was a bit ambivalent and her brother refused to try and started offering me every now anything else that was growing on the ground. Once though he offered young leaves of a Dandylion and to his surprise Astrid and I both gave him a big smile and happily started to munch on them.  

What a healthy day.